November 5, 2011

Searching for Something

I am searching. I long to meet with God and yet I don't succeed. One would think that as a seminarian, I would have this figured out. But unfortunately, this is a misconception.

I attend church almost every Sunday, but I only feel stress and am unable to worship. I believe this comes from working in the churches I attend. Though I am not technically working, I see the people who I work with while I worship and I cannot focus on God. Instead of focusing on God, I am focused on what I should be doing for work, past experiences, or anything but the present task at hand.

I need to find a neutral space. A place where I can be nurtured and grow rather than be stressed. I think back to the evening vespers at Holden Village and I long for that community. Each evening, after dinner, the community would gather together in worship. It took a variety of forms. Sometimes it was upbeat. Other times it was solomn. But we gathered in community to pray, sing, laugh, and commune before our maker. I long to find this again.