March 12, 2010

My brain is currently fried

I'm tired. My brain is tired. There are just too many things running through my mind on a daily basis.

I'm currently applying to Garrett-Evangelical Theological Seminary for a Masters in Christian Education. I'm torn about this. Part of me is ready to be done with school. I'm a bit burned out. But then the other part of me loves learning and is excited about what possibilities more study holds. I am going to seminary to begin the process of ordination as a deacon in the United Methodist Church. I feel called to this, but some days it frightens me to all ends.

Thinking about Garrett leads me to think about future plans. As of right now I plan on beginning a full time job at the United Church of Rogers Park in June. I am constantly stressing out about fundraising the salary for this position. I have sent out fundraising letters and have written grants, but I worry that this will not be enough. Combining this with the fact that I'm planning on starting seminary in the fall makes me question if I should do this job full-time or instead do it part time.

These two ideas bouncing around in my head have caused me to be constantly thinking about my vocation. Is this indeed where God has called me? What if I'm wrong? Do I really want to work in the Church for the rest of my life? What does that look like?

As I'm thinking about the future and the economic situation combined with my ethics of economics course this semester, I have been thinking a lot about the radical life that I feel Jesus calls us to. He says we should drop everything and follow him. This involves not planning for the future. Not worrying about our next paycheck. Just working for justice. Living in poverty. Could I do these things? My current plan may seem radical to some, but it's still an incredibly safe route. I will be employed full-time and have a salary. I will still follow a path that the world deems as "safe." Am I called to a life that's "safe"? Or am I called to challenge the world and live a life that's on the edge?

These are only a few of the things that are bouncing around in my head. There are still so many more. Issues of charity vs. justice. Afterschool programming. Bullying. Working with kids. Working with volunteers. The list goes on and it makes me tired.